|So, let me tell you what’s really going on.|
Lately I’ve been a little more fierce and a little less friendly, which is most definitely NOT me. I’ve kept alot of these back-the-heck-up thoughts to myself lately because I’m stressed, freaked and have been waiting on rusty old nails to find out whether or not I’d been admitted to graduate school.
For all that worrying and feeling like I might not be good enough, and then all those people who said the school would be “absolutely stupid to deny [me] admission”….well, I was right and all my bolstering-we-adore-you-Sarah-fans, were wrong.
|Damn Straight. I said it.
Papal Bull – Sarah sucks.
That is all.
I fell short and it feels horrendous. Not quite like getting your boob squished at a mammogram, but much along the lines of realizing that your ex-boyfriend said he couldn’t handle a relationship [hence the breakup] but is now walking that kinda-skunky [yes, skunky] chick to class like a well-trained puppy . It’s a deep-down hurt, something that I can’t extinguish with bitch-stickers (a.k.a. – band-aids).
Only clue as to where I went wrong? My GPA needs improvement.
Seriously though, it wasn’t/isn’t that bad. My letters of recommendation were stellar and my work experiences are full of epic situational learning.
This whole getting-rejected-thing lead me to start this long-winded thinking, what am I doing with my life mess. Honey, the monologue is too long and too self-loathing to let you in on it.
|I’m so sad right now, that I can only laugh to keep from crying.|
What truly sucks?
I’m still sick at home with strep throat and a bunky set of lungs that are sporadically attacking me right now, so I can’t go running. I want nothing more than to get lost in the miles with just the sound of my breathing and the solid thump of my feet beating the pavement.
It would feel amazing to punch something right now.
All this hard work…for what – rejection?
Despite this, I have all you wonderful people [you know who you are] telling me to eat a brownie or have a glass of wine, or eat some cake to make myself feel better – well, screw you!
|The goal is to LOSE weight, not pack on the self-deprecating pounds through sugary goodness!
Trying to look good, naked – remember?!?
What I can tell you about my newest scar, is that I came across this:
“People take different roads
seeking fulfillment and happiness.
Just because they’re not on your road
doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.”
-His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama
It made me look at this situation with fresh eyes. What if I’m that person now on a new path?
I certainly feel like a rudder-less ship or a rabbit without its lucky foot [because really, what rabbit wants to be hopping around with three legs]…I feel lost.
What should I throw myself into now?
I keep hearing that I should apply to law school:
|Because, you know…changing career paths is not so difficult.|
The advice is appreciated, don’t get me wrong. However, I’m severely type-A. The “always-has-a-plan [or three, or four]” kind of girl.
So what am I supposed to do for the next 6 academic months…flounder? Basket-weaving? Travel the world?
I’m seriously contemplating that last one.
Any suggestions would be nice.
So now I’ll leave you with this last thought:
|Seeing this, meant I could stop feeling slighted.
The only person holding me back, is me.
I don’t know how I came across this, only that it showed up in my photos, but the message is clear. I have no clue where this path is taking me, and everything I’d set up for myself has now crumbled, so my planner is free. I’ll start running again soon. Other than my continued separation from fat-pants…I have no idea what goals I’m running toward.
Here’s to fear of the unknown and the overwhelming need to kick that fear’s ass!