I know that I have been out of touch this past week. Believe me when I say that I truly missed my writing outlet, speaking out to you and simply feeling the satiety of what these words do for me. The past few days have been a whirlwind of failure, emotions and an overall punch-in-the-gut. My last final of my undergraduate career was this past Tuesday. At least, it should have been. Instead, I missed the mark by 3 points. [2.3 measly points, to be exact] I fell short. Not for the first time, nor the last, but it hurt just the same. I wanted so badly to be done. Finished. Completely spent and just withdraw from all things academic for a few weeks. I guess I asked for too much. Maybe I deserved it. Maybe failure is just the way of life for me. I am constantly feeling like the rug is about to be ripped out from under me, the shoe is going to drop and the hot cup of coffee…it’s going to fall straight into my lap. All of these awful things, I’m constantly expecting. Why? Because they tend to happen to me. Not always, but usually. I take the blame or the fall or the responsibility of it all. It’s nice to be free of that, I’d like to think. Truthfully, I never manage to stay away from responsibility too long. I’m eager for it, attracted to it and in desperate need of it. Perhaps it may be my need for order and efficiency, the constant uphill struggle to achieve more, or maybe it’s just a a delusional notion that I may one day reach my own perfection. Whatever it is, I feel like I’m getting used to failing, falling short or simply falling flat on my face. Is this a bad thing? I honestly don’t think so.
Let me tell you why.
Without all the fumbles, falls and ass-tastic, face-front splats…I would be a completely different person. I don’t have a crisis mode. I just deal with it. My parents don’t pay for everything anymore, I’ve been independent for a while now. I am a strong, confident, independent Latina and I’m damn proud of it. I haven’t had an extremely difficult life, but I can’t say it’s been easy either. I’ve experienced more than most, and not all those experiences have been positive. I’m trying, all the time, to be a better version of “me.” I’m succeeding. I’m now able to gauge my own limits and am learning to push myself further every day. Without having been through everything, I don’t believe I’d be able to deal with the challenges. I’d be lost, trying to piece together the crazy mess that has been my life. It would have been really damn hard. Thankfully, I’ve come across wonderful people, beautiful people who stepped in at the right time and helped me learn all the lessons I’ve needed. In no means did I do this on my own, rather – I’ve learned. All these mistakes have made me a better person, in how I’ve dealt with them all. My behavior and outlook on everything are positive, all the time. Sometimes the gray-skies try to get the better of me…then I run out for a macchiato and smile at life.
I have so much going for me. What blessings have you had lately?