Venting helps. I think there’s a whole lot to be said about compartmentalizing, but – in my experience – there’s even more that comes with keeping those compartments shut. Hence this need to vent.
I’ve been keeping walls up for several weeks now, trying to stay focused on this goal: pass the fucking bar. I’m already doing the work, helping clients, pushing my knowledge of the law forward – but I’m making the same amount of money as our secretary and that kinda blows. I’ve actually laughed at this, because I’m currently the most educated I’ve ever been in my life and, yet, making the least amount of money I’ve ever made in my life. I know it will be worth it in the long run. But, presently, I need to sit and voice this and let go of this thought. It’s pretty comical though, right?
Thankfully, I took the last month off from work. I setup my out of office notification and peaced-out. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t know there are already more than 800 emails sitting in my inbox and I’m feeling so guilty at the thought of my boss feeling overwhelmed. But the simple fact is this: he gave me the time off, so I could come back to the office, confident I’d put my best foot forward on this exam. So, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. The look on his face when I failed the Bar during attempt Numero Uno was awful. I don’t want to see that again. I’d much rather be able to help him by attending hearings and actually partaking in a true lawyering role. #DreamJob
This past month was a whirlwind of comedic missteps and happenings. A pipe burst in our house, I got physically hurt (not once, but 3 times), and there’s a heap of personal health stuff going on with my grandparents. I won’t go into this because I will cry.
So yeah, life’s been incredibly stressful. And it’s not even the kind of stress one brings on themselves, it’s genuinely things I cannot control. That’s the worst kind of stress. I wish I could tell you that I can just put all of this in a box and deal with it later, but that’s not a gift I possess. I feel like I’m handling things, compartmentalizing. And then, little bits of my mind obsess with these compartmentalized boxes and decide to open them when I’m sleeping (hence the night terrors). Needless to say, it’s been rough.
I’ve been putting on a brave face, getting out there for several runs a week, and even started yoga and daily meditation. I’m trying to keep as balanced as possible, but sometimes these efforts feel like a losing battle. It’s completely possible that I’m feeling this way because the exam date is creeping ever closer. Going through it once was hellish, going back for a second time is difficult to do without a bit of a defeatist attitude. I get it, trust me. But, few people know what this is like; putting your brain through this much concerted effort must be akin to a bomb specialist running down to the wire.
Getting this out there was quite cathartic. There’s quite a few emotions running through this body and I needed more room for Texas Essay rules, so I had to empty the vessel. I will not apologize for putting this all out in the open. It helped. Do what you need to do to get yourself in the right headspace for this exam. Put yourself first, at all costs, from now until the exam is over.
I highly recommend you let go of whatever minutiae you’ve got stored up because 1) it’s scientifically proven to be unhealthy, 2) you’ve got absolutely no time for wallowing or thinking anything else other than Bar concepts for the next 12 days, and 3) you’re a boss babe/dude and you gotta keep pressing on.
Here’s some positive motivation from a cute bunny: